I'd finally had my moment.
In true Sabrina fashion, I waited until I felt the most exposed and vulnerable.
I was full of pride in thinking that I needed to look like I was okay. I kept telling myself to stop crying. Over and over I tried to rationalize that it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I beat myself up as the hot tears of utter exhaustion rolled down my face. In that moment all I could think was "God, I can't do this", "God, I can't handle this", "God, I can't keep doing this". The "this" was my life. In the moment I thought it was the situation it was in, but in hindsight it was everything that had happened inside of me.
RESTORE to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
I was frustrated because I wasn't feeling successful or efficient in any area of my life. I assumed moms were supposed to be tired and busy. I work full time, have a business I'd like to see flourish, and a full time wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend/etc. God called me to serve in specific roles that may not always be sunshine and rainbows, but I'd lost my joy in general.
Since Thanksgiving 2014, I've been searching for my calling. I kept praying for Him to reveal it to me. I was praying in different ways but always the same desire, "God show me what I need to be doing for you". He was probably sitting there with Ruth and Naomi getting a good chuckle, because I wasn't doing the daily restoration, yet I was asking for more to be put on my plate.
I think that's when a calling becomes a burden. When you are putting in the leg work, but you aren't taking time to sit down with the creator. God needs me to prepare and be prayed up. I just know that the devil is trying to keep me from uncovering it for a reason. Shortly after my little "episode' I began taking care of myself a little better. Last Sunday my soul felt refreshed after the service. What in tarnation was I waiting on? God can't use me if I'm not in fighting shape for Him. Self care is the first act of service.
Spend time with the Creator today. Let Him minister to your heart. Feel the joy that comes with being restored. I love you, friend. Keep seeking the kingdom <3