March 3, 2012

Color Me Hypocrite

   Think about the people you've met in your life.  You can more than likely remember what year or stage of your life you were in when you met them.  Only recently did a certain thought approach my mind.  In our world of Facebook and Twitter,what do long lost acquaintances think when they see me pop up on their screens?  Do those people forever remember me in the stage I was when they met me? Do they see me as the Bible Club president, "his" girlfriend, or student athlete? Am I locked in their mind, as the girl who made big mistakes or made stupid decisions? Am I the volunteer, intern, or student?

Occasionally, I will put up a scripture as my status or tweet. Do these people think I'm a hypocrite? I can just hear the unsatisfied murmurs from those who were hoping I would fail, flop, or just rot from unhappiness. "Who is she to talk about God?"

No, I don't deserve God's love. I don't deserve to feel acceptance in the arms of a Savior.  I don't deserve the beautiful life He has given me.  I should be riddled with nightmares, regret, and disgrace with the thoughts of what I've done. But the beauty of being a believer is that the moment I gave him the tattered mess that was my life, I never looked back. Grace and Gods unmerited favor for me, saved my life.It's no longer about what I deserve, but the unconditional love of the Father. Literally, there are days I forget the person I used to be, it's not because of my terrible memory, but through Gods forgiveness, I'm over that mess and I can look forward to the person I'm becoming.

Even though the people who were present in the messy parts of my life may never forget, the Lord has, and He is the one who matters. The people hurt in my path of self-destruction are always near to my heart, but they are the ones who will never understand and will only bring me back to that dark place. I will be tattooed in their mind as a person that I used to be, I pray their hearts aren't filled with hatred, but smile when they see the change in me.

For this you can color me a hypocrite.  By definition, hip-uh-krit is "a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs."  At one point in my life I professed one thing, and lived another.  I drug myself through the mud, but now I sing praises to the Lord who saved me.

 For this I will accept the title of hypocrite, but the fortunate part of this rant is that my life is consumed with the post-hypocritical life.  I pay no concern to the "reviews" of those who stalk, "hate', or scoff at the scriptures or praises I post. I have a peace that freed me, I just pray that others can see what the Lord has done for me and not dwell on the person who I used to be. Life doesn't work as a hypocrite, either you're authentic or not.

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