October 29, 2011

Why not?

There are many points in my life when I stopped and asked myself the simple question, why not? Over silly things like, why not chop my hair off, it will grow back? I'll have my bachelor's degree, why not work for my masters? 

There are much more serious situations that I have not asked myself this question. Why not treat each day as the precious gift that it is? Why not give someone a hug or hello, when I see that they are upset?

It seems as if we pass these opportunities up, because we are afraid of the emotional devastation that follows failure. But we all reach a point were we have to add terrible extension to our why not mission statement. Remorse comes with the realization of, "why didn't I?" 

Why did I stay til I knew you were feeling better? Why didn't I add an extra squeeze to that last hug? Why didn't I cherish the last time I would ever see your face? Your time was cut short, but I had so many opportunities to tell you how much I appreciate you.

As an extremely passive aggressive person, I have repressed years of angst and grudge into a jar that I call my mind. Constantly searching for new ways to avoid conflict, make other people happy, and working hard to become the woman my family empowered me to be. I usually fashion a smile, positive attitude, and hard work ethic. Today was the exception, all of those emotions came to the surface. To my surprise, the pent up emotions that boiled up, created a rise of the sensitivity, love, and longing.

  I was a heap of lovey mess. I dreamt of lining up every person I love, telling them I love them. I wanted to apologize to the one's I've been stubborn to(especially my mother).

This week I've been longing for many things. I'm beyond ready to get married. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I was ready roughly 802 days ago..I'm excited about all of the things we will share through our lives like our careers, homes, and children if the good Lord allows. But I'm going to be patient and not rush.

The fruit of a reflective week have left me with a longing for Beulah land. I feel blessed that the Lord has given me such an amazing ride so far, I feel so unworthy of this life. Unfortunately, there are so many people that I've had the honor of knowing, who never got to experience graduation, college, and the things I'm approaching. There are many who have been stewards of my life, who did so, without me ever realizing the impact they made until they were gone. There are relatives waiting in heaven, whom I never got to meet, friends who left too soon, and others I just want to hug. 

Please understand, I love my life here and have no intentions of departing anytime soon, but God promises keep me optimistic that someday I have even more to look forward too. I'm praying for my family, as they are mourning, each one dealing with it in their own way. We are all leaning on the promises that God has reassured us with that make life on this earth bearable. My goal is to take this time of sorrow as an opportunity to eliminate tomorrow's remorse of "why didn't I?" by living my life today, without restraint or fear of failure. Regardless of how my attempts are recepted, I will wake up the next day and move on to more exciting challenges, without the somber luggage of "why didn't I"?  Why not?

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."
Isaiah 40:31
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-29

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